Nice to have a differently-abled sibling
Society usually focuses on the challenges of being parents to differently-abled children. But rarely does the focus veer towards the relationship that differently-abled children have with their normal siblings. These relationships are also unique and have their share of upheavals.
One of the concerns that plague siblings is what will happen to their differently-abled brother or sister once the parents pass away. Special educator Ishita Painter, who counsels children about their special brothers or sisters, says "Many worry about the responsibilities they may have to shoulder in the future. They are concerned about how their spouses and in-laws will accept their brothers and sisters. In some cases sisters have decided to remain single to take care of their siblings."
According to psychiatrist Dr Harish Shetty, "Parents should educate kids about the condition of their sibling. But they should be careful not to burden them with expectations."
Krishna Mandal, mother to the differently-abled nine-year-old Shreeja and a typical four-year-old Shreya, says it's not difficult to treat both equally. "My daughters are different from each other but I feel that these differences cannot get in the way of us being together."
The parenting strategy is a success when the sibling does not feel burdened. Pramod Pillai's nine-year-old brother is hearing impaired. "My parents have never pressurised me," says the 23-year-old. "I never had to compromise on life choices. I care for my brother but have never felt like he was a liability."
The advantage
Children with differently-abled siblings have been found to be more sensitive and caring than other children their age. "Most siblings of special children are more accepting of other peoples' differences than their peers," says Dr Shetty. "They are tolerant and display more maturity in difficult situations." Pramod says his brother helps him appreciate people's unique strengths. "When I bought a new cellphone, Prasad learned the new features much before I did!" he says. "He has always been very good in academics and is a better student than me."
Gender wonder
Research shows there's a gender imbalance in case of special siblings. "Married brothers feel that a differently-abled sibling should be kept in a separate care facility. They worry about how their wives would take care of their siblings. Sisters are more considerate," says Painter.
Even at 13, Shilpa Pujari is one such concerned sister. The teenager takes care of her five-year-old brother Ashish who has ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and a learning disability. "Ashish hardly sits in one place. He is a moody and gets violent at times," she explains. Her forehead creases when asked whether she sees her brother as a burden. "I would have taken care of him even if he did not have ADHD," she retorts. "Of course, it's just that people are not aware of ADHD and misunderstand his behaviour," she adds softly. Age has very little to do with the nurturing instinct. Painter talks about how a younger sibling became caretaker to her elder special sister. Nine-year-old Shreeja suffers from intellectual disability as well as ADHD. Her four-year-old sister Shreya manages to keep Shreeja from getting into trouble. "It's touching to see how the kindergartener tries to explain to her elder sister how to behave in her own sweet way." says Painter.
Parental preference
When parents are more lenient towards their differently-abled child than the normal one, it leads to a unique kind of sibling rivalry. Often the normal child's needs are ignored which leads to guilt and resentment. But some children are just more mature and understand why this happens. "Of course my parents tolerate Ashish's tantrums a lot more than they do mine," says Shilpa. "But that's because of his problem. Ashish is just five. It would be ridiculous to think of competing with him," she adds sheepishly.
Dr Shetty is of the opinion that instances of rivalry should not be taken lightly. "If a child perceives that his parents are unfair to him and love his sibling more, it can cause a lot of problems. (S)he may feel a sense of rejection, anger and even helplessness. Often the child may indulge in attention-seeking behaviour. Parents must realise that things are not going well if they see signs of depression and aggression."
Sometimes, even the special child might feel threatened and sidelined. This can translate into aggressive behaviour towards the normal sibling. Painter remembers how Shreeja had problems accepting her little sister. "Initially she would hit and even bite Shreya as she felt that her parents were paying more attention to her," she says.
Whatever the dynamic, it is up to the parents to even out the differences and make both children feel they are loved and treasured equally. It is easier than many imagine.
Nahid.Butt@timesgroup.com
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