A 26-year-old boy called off his engagement with his fiance, stating that he is gay. He could not muster the courage to refuse the proposal initially as he was scared of his parents' reaction. But when he could not take the pressure anymore, he told his parents that he was gay and had a boyfriend. It is difficult for most parents to accept the fact that their child is gay. However, it is also tough for the youngster as he has to not only cope with his repressed feelings, but also the backlash at the disclosure. So, when is the right time for a person to come out to his family?
Broaching the topic
One of the first things for anyone who wants to declare their sexual orientation to their parents, suggests counsellors, is to first get certain questions cleared with themselves. A young boy who's still to come to terms with his sexuality, needs to first address the issue himself. Once he is sure of that, he should also ask other questions before making the move: 'Do I have a good support system?' 'How is the emotional situation at home" and 'What do I want to achieve by opening up about sexuality to my parents?' If the fact that you want to be honest and transparent to to your folks, who've been instrumental in bringing you into the world, then you should definitely go ahead with it.
Says psychologist Seema Hingorrany says, "The right time for every individual is different, and it depends on the comfort level he shares with his family. It is also important for him to know that it's not just a phase." Coming to terms with one's sexual orientation differs from age to age. "It is different for younger age groups as they undergo huge guilt and confusion towards their orientation. The older age group, those who are above 26, are usually financially independent and more open about their feelings," adds Hingorrany. For those dependent on their parents fear that the disclosure would cause their parents to disown them.
Says Lakshmi Narayan Tripathy, Chairperson Astitva and founding member of Asia Pacific transgender network, "Sexually different children are often confused about who they are, and the biggest irony is people around us decide who we are. The education system needs to change too. I have seen boys, who are different, getting abused in schools and these cases don't even get reported. They should have trained counselors in schools."
Lakshmi further adds, "Financial independence is very important so that you can come out and speak for yourself and lead your life according to your terms. I am a dancer so building up a career is also important before you open up."
Different parents, different reactions
Namrata Kaithan, counselling psychologist, says, "The Indian mindset has grown up with the concept that the relationship between a man and a woman is the only normal one. The same sex orientation is perceived as a western concept. We try to be open-minded about it, but are not able to accept it completely." It may come as a shock for those parents who don't have any idea about it, it could last a few hours to a month. There are some parents who in spite of knowing it, are in a state of denial.
Says Hingorrany, "In Indian culture, parents are often in total denial about their children's sexual orientation. Parents cannot accept that the child can have a same-sex partner as they pin all their hopes in their child carrying the family name forward by marrying and procreating. They cry, sob, blame God and run to palmists and spiritual leaders in state of helplessness. Many come to us to do a family therapy session, which will help their family cope with emotions following disclosure."
At times, parents may experience a sense of loss. However, there are many who accept and stand by their children. Sutapa Das, a home-maker says, "It did take some time for me to understand. There were many unanswered questions that kept playing in my mind, but then I finally accepted the fact that my son is a gay and not a criminal. He has not harmed any body and has every right to lead his life peacefully."
My mother was shocked, not my father
While most parents find it tough to believe that their child could be having a same-sex relationship, there are some who come to terms with their child's sexual orientation immediately. One such person who had a positive experience when he came clean about his sexuality to his parents, is freelance writer, Ravi Mathur. He recalls, "I opened up to my parents when my mother brought the topic of marriage at the dinner table. I just could not go along with it, and told them about my sexuality." While he felt good about telling his parents the truth, he was also taken by surprise with his father's reaction.
"My father was not shocked at all. In fact, he said that he always knew that I was different. My father said that when I was in my pre-teens, other boys my age played with guns, but I preferred the kitchen set and dolls. My mother took some time to accept it. Now both of them are very supportive about the whole thing," adds Mathur.
What's needed to take that first step
- Seek counselling
- Come to terms with one's sexuality first
- Make sure of the emotional situation at home
- Be patient with your parents as they come to terrm with it
- Be prepared to face a lot of questions
- Begin to love yourself
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