It came as a relief, initially. My partner of barely a few weeks had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). And, like anyone caught in a messy relationship, I thought, "So, after all, it wasn't my fault. She was the crazy one".
Perhaps, she was relieved too. Her incessant irritability, outbursts of anger, lethargy - sometimes, she'd lie in the whole day - irregular sleeping and eating habits could all be put down to the condition. Plus, if she flew off the handle, I would have to understand.
Borderline Personality Disorder is defined as an ailment in which the person shows a pattern of extreme instability in interpersonal relationships, selfimage and emotions. People with BPD are categorised as impulsive (reflected in spending for eg) and as often demonstrating self-injurious behaviours (risky sexual behaviour, cutting oneself, suicide attempts).
We sought professional help within weeks of the start of the relationship. Her constant query to me - "what's the point of living?" - prompted us. It was her decision to go, and I supported it. The first psychiatrist - we met several times over five years - took all of 15 minutes to declare that she was suffering from a chemical imbalance in her brain. No scans or bio-chemical tests. Among other tools counsellors use, interrogating the partner of a suspected BPD is popularly used. Psychiatry believes that a BPD patient has trouble dealing with people they are emotionally attached to. So, whatever a partner says about a Borderline is considered significant. On the other hand, the questions posed to her were general: "'How do you feel?; 'What provokes you to get angry?'; 'What makes you happy?'; 'What makes you sad ?' etc."
Therapy and medication provided a window of succour to our relationship that was otherwise marked by abuse, violence, lies and threats of ending life. Psychotropic drugs prescribed in a condition like this artificially release serotonin or the 'happy hormone' into the system. Because it provides instant relief, it's possible to grow dependent on it.
But the pills have side effects too - disruption of liver and sexual function, and irregular sleep. Which is why doctors are always keen to wean you off them. When they tried it, she'd slip into relapse. The depression would kick in, and the anger would follow. She'd get enraged at perceived slights. If I laughed at something she said, she'd get into a rage. Or, if I didn't laugh when she expected me to. Flinging things around the house, anything she could lay her hands on at the time, would be the norm.
When medication failed she was drowned in a sense of failure.
Victims of the shrink age
"They (the mentally ill) are a victim of society's low tolerance for deviant behaviour," Susanna Kaysen writes in her book, Girl, Interrupted which documents her 18-month stay at a mental institution after being diagnosed with BPD.
Psychiatry's holy book, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), which psychiatrics swear by, enlists more than 300 types of mental illnesses. You name a human behaviour and there is a disorder and a pill for it. Do you have difficulty sleeping after drinking coffee? You suffer from 'caffeine-induced sleep disorder'. Are you sceptical of authority? You suffer from 'oppositional defiant disorder'. Do you disagree with the diagnosis a charlatan hands you? You suffer from 'non-compliance with treatment disorder'. They throw the net wide. In DSM III, they even listed a disorder for babies who cried too loud.
A scan of Borderline's symptoms will tell you why it's not a coincidence that more than 80 per cent of patients diagnosed are women.
Borderlines, psychology believes, are extremely impulsive. What this implies inadvertently, is that they are promiscuous. In other words, girls behave too much like boys. And how is that normal? If your relationships have been less than wonderful, you are that much closer to being branded a Borderline.
While the anti-psychiatrist movement is vocal in denouncing psychiatry, it has left the question, 'what do people with depression do?' hanging.
The answer might lie in meditation. The Western approach to treating a range of mental health disorders - Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DPT), developed in the 1980s by psychologist Marsha Linehan - adopts mindfulness and meditation practices to treat depression, BPD and even eating disorders like anorexia.
Walking away
Everyone (at least, I) has the choice to walk out of an abusive relationship. I chose to stay. I believed the psychiatrists when they said there was something wrong with her and that they could fix it. Besides, I loved her. But there was nothing to fix. That's who she was. Well behaved and pleasant with others, she would often be described by friends as "happy". With me she was the complete opposite - venting all her anger and getting angry at the smallest of issues. Perhaps it stemmed from the feeling that I wasn't going anywhere.
The relationship lasted five years. Until then I was hoping the 'treatment' would change things for us. But, I realised, (with the luxury of retrospect), so what if someone is a bit angrier than usual, or unpredictable or impulsive, or manipulative. As long as they don't endanger their life or another's, instead of trying to 'fix' them, we accept them for who they are or walk away.
- Sanjay Austa is a documentary photographer and writer
THE PARTNER'S GUIDE TO COPING
ENCOURAGE RESPONSIBILITY. Don't rescue them 24x7, don't encourage manipulative behaviour or bail them out of consequences of an irresponsible action.
BE HONEST. People with BPD tend to be clueless about how their behaviour affects others. Whether it's in their dealings with you or others, let them know your honest assessment of the situation.
TIME IT WELL. If you have to discuss a troublesome topic, judge their state of mind. If it's vulnerable, postpone the conversation.
STAY CALM. It might be the most difficult thing to do, but when your partner picks a fight, the best thing to do is walk away. Say you will discuss the issue once they have calmed down.
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