Do your kids need to know your marital woes?

If talking to children about sex is considered taboo in India, then it's a foregone conclusion that discussing marriage-related issues are absolute no-nos. However, relationship counsellors believe that talking about marriage-related issues with one's child can help strenghthen between a parent and a child.

"The scenario is different now. One must, in fact, address any such issues with one's children as they have the right to know what is going on in your life. Especially since, directly or indirectly, they are going to be affected by it too. It's an education of sorts for them," says relationship counsellor Seema Hingorrany.

But the next question that springs to the mind is — How much is too much when discussing a relationship issue with your kids? Says clinical psychologist Mimrah Ansari, "Before you discuss any problem related to your marriage with your children, you must consider their age. Further, if there is something disturbing at school or house that they have recently been through, it is best to hold back and seek a better time to share your emotions with them. Make sure that your child is ready to hear you out."

Ways to address the issue
- Make it effortless and thoughtful: A great way to initiate a discussion about marital issues with your child is by making him/her understand why you and your spouse are going through a difficult time. This is not a blame-game session, so restrict talking ill about your partner. What he/she should know is what has gone wrong and how you both plan to resolve it following the talk with your child.

- Keep his/her age in mind: Hingorrany says, "Talking to a child about relationship issues is difficult, especially since he/she is at an age where understanding the intricacies of a relationship is tough. You may have to explain the situation in such a manner that it will be easy for your child to understand what you are talking about."

- Keep explanations positive: Your kid may not be able to fathom the gravity of the differences between his/her parents. It is important to realise that you are talking about a parent (you or your spouse) and making your better-half look evil in front of them may not go down too well with the child.

- Don't expect suggestions: Discussing woes does not mean that you look out for suggestions from your child. He/she is not in a position to offer you solutions for your marital woes, so it would be foolish of you to expect them to do so.

- Keep a watch on your child: Since you have shared a part of your life, which is not rosy, to your child, be alert to his/her reactions. If you see him/her unhappy, make it a point to ask every now and then if he/she's okay. Speak positive things, so that your child is reassured that his/her parents are working towards their relationship.

- Take your child along for therapy: Make sure to have your child accompany you on your visit to the therapist; it is a great way to boost his/her morale. At times, when you are going through a tough time yourself, you may not be in a state of mind to think positively. It's exactly the time you allow a therapist to step into your shoes, to ensure that the child looks at the brighter side of a relationship.

What a parent should do to make sure that the child does not slip into depression
When you talk to your child about marriage-related issues, the chance of him/her slipping into depression is big. If your child is under the age of 12, make sure that you and your spouse sit together to discuss and assure your child that both of you would work things out if you are meant to be together. However, if your child is above the age of 12, you can either talk to him or her, or take the help of a family member to discuss the issue with your child. Being open and honest with your child will help him understand your situation well.

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