Signs you are in a toxic relationship

Written By Unknown on Sabtu, 26 Juli 2014 | 18.47

Some of us are nurturing toxic relationships without even knowing it. Experts tell you the warning signs and solutions

With all the (warranted) clamour in favour of sex education in school, we wish someone would petition the need for les petition the need for lessons in managing your relationships, both with parents and friends, and being a responsible lover (yes, there is such a thing) instead of leaving it to fate, trial-and-error, inspiration from Bollywood or plain luck.

Because they don't, often we end up considering what's a debilitating relationship a normal one.

Relationship counsellors call these `toxic'. It's essentially an engagement that instead of helping you grow, flourish and be happy, drains you. "A toxic relationship is about a power or status imbalance which, significantly, is used by one or both parties to control the other, or to diminish, cause distress or pain," says Sydneybased Avril Carruthers, a transpersonal psychotherapist and author of Freedom From Toxic Relationships: Moving on from the Family, Work and Relationship Issues that Bring You Down and Let Your Past Go and Live.

Twenty years of experience in the field have taught Carruthers that this imbalance can play out not just on emotional levels but also through financial control, restricting freedom of movement or expression. "The more toxic partner may seemingly be the weaker of the two, but still manage to control the other through unconscious manipulation on account of fear, distrust, neediness or self-loathing," she explains.

Sometimes, it's as simple as subtly steering the partner's everyday routine. Malini Shah, psychologist, says it leads to a build up of perpetual negativity, fear in the partner and kids, if any, an atmosphere of helplessness while eroding self-esteem.

In one word, a toxic engagement is dangerous, and demands introspection. But to be able to do that, you first need to spot the signs. The first sign is a gut feeling about your partner harbouring a hidden agenda.

Does s/he raise your suspicion?

Keeping count of past errors
-Raking up the past in current moment conflict, and on occasions that have little or nothing to do with today is another marker.

-Manipulators distract themselves and their partner from the problem at hand and blaming the other for past wrongs. Soon, a battle about who has goofed up more often could ensue.

-It's best, advise experts, to deal with conflicts individually, and as and when they occur. If you can't accept your partner's prior behaviour, you haven't accepted them at all.

This, says Carruthers, leads to a chain of self-doubt. It could, sometimes, lead to retaliation (let me be mean, too) or shame (let me hide my thoughts and action from him/her).

If the partner happens to be the more charismatic of the two, the manipulated one can even blame themselves for the dysfunctional relationship.

Jealousy is jealousy
Psychotherapist Neeta V Shetty picks jealousy as another sign. "If your partner wants you to be happy only with him/her, and throws a tantrum if you end up discussing or sharing an activity with another, s/he could be putting him/herself over you and `us'. The more extreme manifestation of this behaviour can include checking the partner's text messages, email and caller list on the sly and showing up abruptly at meetings where they weren't meant to be. While most people consider jealousy a sign of love, it actually smacks of distrust.

Jealousy that turns into controlling behaviour is unnatural and could point to a person's own insecurities.

If your partner raises the issue of commitment -and continuing it -with every little argument that crops up between the two of you, it's a sign that he/she is holding the relationship hostage, says Carruthers. Every moment of conflict between romantic partners, or even friends, isn't an occasion to discuss whether the engagement should continue at all.

Committing to a lover or friend means you are accepting them with their angularities. You can stay committed without being besotted by every aspect of your lover's personality.

Fix or quit
Are you happier, more energetic and spontaneous when your partner isn't around? Do you feel loved, wanted and valued or criticised and controlled? Remember the difference between constructive criticism and belittling before you answer that one. Once you have determined the toxicity of your relationship, you must decide how you are going to correct it. Asserting yourself, being intolerant of abusive language and/or controlling behaviour is a start. Instead of playing the blame game, have an honest discussion with your partner, or involve a friend or family member he trusts. Else, you can seek professional help.

Toxic partners build their own reserves of power by grabbing yours. Trust your gut. Go with what you think is right instead of relying on `outside' affirmation.

Learn to be your true self instead of opting for the `safer' option. Consciously have conversations that are free, talk of dreams and shared responsibilities.

If fixing doesn't work, it may be time to opt out. Yes, you have invested everything in it but how is that of any value if it's robbing you of happiness? Once out, don't look back and actively seek the support and company of friends and family.

Participate in all that you were hesitant and afraid to while in the relationship. Work towards realising your worth.

Signs of a healthy relationship
-You feel nourished and happy with each other

-You are independently happy, and support each other's opportunities for growth and learning

-You both take responsibility of your own happiness rather than holding the other responsible for it

-You see the upside of commitment instead of considering it a fettering.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/followceleb.cms?alias=Avril Carruthers,work it,Malini Shah psychologist,Friends,author


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