Fight, kiss and make up

Written By Unknown on Selasa, 22 Juli 2014 | 18.47

On World Marriage Day, we give you a lowdown on how to settle the little issues, that often blow up to derail a marriage or a relationship.

Tiff factor: Be it bills, keys or household items, your spouse never puts them away in the right place, in spite of you constantly reminding him/her. Since you are particular about tidiness and order, this annoys you to no end.

Troubleshoot: In a problem that arises due to conflicting personalities, remind yourself that you married this person, not only because you shared some similarities, but also for the differences! Voice your concerns respectfully and explain to your spouse your personal need for order and cleanliness in the house.

Tiff factor: You both decide to save up money for an international vacation that you plan to take in six months. But your spouse can't resist, goes impulse-shopping and comes home with an expensive watch or dress, much to your chagrin.

Troubleshoot: You might be seething with anger and will harbour grudges against your spouse, but the key is to communicate and tell him/her how you feel. Your reaction is justified but impulse-shopping has already happened. Instead of sulking, book the vacation immediately, so that the money is partly-invested in the holiday. If your partner continues with his/her spending habits in the future too, go alone or with your friends. Send photographs to show that you are having a gala time without him/her. Your spouse will realise what he/she is missing out on.

Tiff factor: Many a time, you are not in the mood or simply too tired to heat things up between the sheets. Unintentionally, you rebuff your spouse's romantic advances, thus making him/her feel unwanted, ruining not just the night but even the following morning.

Troubleshoot: Sex experts estimate that one out of every three married couples struggles with mismatched sexual desire; i.e. when one spouse is in the mood, the other is not. But being complacent about your sex life is a formula for disaster, because when your spouse is sexually dissatisfied and you are oblivious, sex isn't the only casualty; intimacy on every level becomes non-existent. If you're not in the mood, there are ways you can build up a desire: a scent, romantic or seductive words, etc. trigger fantasies, which in turn, will trigger a sexual urge.

Tiff factor: After returning home from office, your spouse spends most of his/her time working on the laptop or attending work calls at the dinner table. You're upset because you expect him/her to converse with you, as that's the only time in the whole day you get together. Troubleshoot: Instead of arguing about the problem when your partner is working on the laptop, proactively address this issue at another time. You two need to consciously carve out more time together and this might require some negotiation. If you don't get time on weekdays, keep aside exclusive, non-working weekends, so that you can spend uninterrupted time together.

A kiss for a longer life!

Research suggests that due to jobs, kids, hobbies and family responsibilities, married couples spend just four minutes a day together!

The average couple has sex 58 times a year, slightly more than once a week.

More than friendship, laughter, forgiveness, compatibility, or sex, spouses name trust as the most crucial element for a happy marriage.

Men who kiss their wives in the morning are said to live five years longer than those who don't!

Tiff factor: Your spouse doesn't get along with your close friends and every time you invite them over, he/she makes their dislike obvious through sarcasm! Despite your several attempts to make peace between your spouse and your friend, things are far from rosy.

Troubleshoot: Refrain from a 'sales pitch' of one to the other. People, who inherently dislike each other may not change their views and opinions, but with time, will learn to accept things as they are. So instead of forcing your spouse and friend to be best buddies, you need to first accept the truth yourself. Next, explain to them individually that they need to respect the relationship you share with each of them and hence, you expect them to be cordial with one another, if nothing more.

How to fight fair

Dos

Attack the issue, not your spouse. Name-calling puts people in a position to respond angrily and defensively. It breaks down communication and destroys trust in the marriage.

Take responsibility. Use 'I' statements as a way of showing that you are taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions.

Deal with one issue at a time.Try not to pile up several complaints into one session. If you have a different problem you'd like to address, save it for the next discussion.

Don'ts

Don't interrupt, or pass comments while your spouse is speaking. Also, rolling your eyes, smirking, yawning etc. all work against fair fighting.

Don't involve other people's opinions while arguing (eg: Your mother also agrees with me.) The only opinions that matter are of the two of you. Don't make threats, especially of divorcing. While fighting, threatening to leave the relationship is manipulative and hurtful. It will erode your partner's confidence in your commitment to the relationship.

Whenever Roopak and I have fights, we make up very fast. In fact, I say 'sorry'a 100 times if I have to! I believe a couple shouldn't go to bed without solving their problems. — Tara Sharma, TV host

"My husband and I fight almost every day on whether the toilet seat should be up or down. Another issue that leads to an argument is my husband after returning from work, tries to wake up the kids, who are fast asleep. After every argument one of us has to give in... till another issue crops up. We solve our problems on a day-to-day basis. — Ramneek Pantal, model

The most frequent fight my wife, Leena, and I have is on spending time together. Due to my shooting schedule, I can't give her enough time and that leads to fights. It's justified on her part to question me but since I'm committed to my work, I'm also not at fault. Over time, I have realised that the smartest, safest and simplest solution to any marital problem is to say 'sorry'. —Swwanil Joshi, actor

We always fight on why my dress is so short or why he has to text while having lunch! Some of these minor issues have been going on for years. Honestly, i always look forward to a fight because the making up after is so hot! — Manasi Parekh, actress

Inputs by clinical psychologist Seema Hingorrany, marriage counsellor Dr Minnu Bhonsle and psychiatrists Dr Anjali Chhabria and Dr Harish Shetty.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/followceleb.cms?alias=tv host,Seema Hingorrany,Minnu Bhonsle,Harish Shetty,Friends


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