New research suggests that parents obsession to build their child's self-esteem is distracting them from imparting a far more important life skill: self-compassion.
In fact, falsely boosting self-esteem has been linked to mental health problems like narcissism and emotional fragility. On the other hand, self-compassion is associated with resilience, enhanced energy levels and creativity. Here are five ways you can help your child develop this important life skill set.
Tell them the truth about the good life
Some situations are just beyond our control. And kids need to understand that. They need to have an accurate understanding that life is, and always will be, made up of both highs and lows. As much as we may celebrate the good, a chunk of growing up is learning how to accept the bad. We often interpret suffering as some sort of failure. But labelling suffering as failure gives the impression that it can be avoided entirely.
Good parenting is about giving kids opportunities to learn how to deal with their emotions and helping a child understand him or herself as a social being. To be successful adults, kids need to learn not only how to care for themselves and others, but also how to ask for help.
Judge the behaviour, not the child
Critique a child's behaviour, not his character. This distinction makes it less likely that the child will confuse his actions or accomplishments with his self-worth. Likewise, saying 'that was a smart idea' may be better than saying 'you are brilliant.'The most important job of a parent is to make a child feel intrinsically worthy, no matter what his accomplishments or failures. As parents, you want to completely accept your child for who he is (and not who you want it to be), but you don't want to honeycoat things.
Be a good role model
Likewise, you as a parent must become someone whom they can look up to. Modelling self-compassion — and not modelling self-criticism — is of utmost importance because kids watch their parents for ways to deal with life. If they see their parents beating themselves up, that message is stronger than anything a parent preaches.
Don't worry; being compassionate with yourself will not, as most people erroneously think, turn you into a lazy, worthless person. On the contrary, people who are selfcompassionate often have more equanimity, are better liked, work harder and have higher standards than people who are critical of themselves. When kids learn to compassionately regulate and care for themselves, it can take them far ahead in life.
Shape future behaviour, rather than punish the past
Extreme punishment, like spanking or grounding for six weeks, teaches kids you should treat yourself harshly when you do something wrong, and offers little instruction on what to do when similar difficulties arise again. Kids then grow up to be harshly self-critical, which saps energy and motivation levels, he said, and undermines their quality of life. How parents respond to a child's failures and successes influences the internal model the child develops for him or herself. Kids start to play back that recording.
So also, compassionate discipline starts by understanding the child's point of view and then helping the child change harmful behaviours. The goal is to build habits and social skills that will serve the child well in the end. For instance, if a kid hurts his friend's feelings, he should feel bad about it, reflect on the pain he has caused and think about ways to avoid such behaviour in future.
Try training wheels
Few studies suggest finding the key to a happy and successful life is resilience (being able to rebound in the face of difficulties). And the key to resilience is self-compassion.
Parents can walk children through the steps of compassionate self-treatment by first helping them become mindful of their own emotions and reactions. This involves listening to the kids patiently and helping them find labels for what they are feeling. Likewise, expressions of sympathy are also helpful: 'How crappy!', perhaps.
Parents must also point out that these experiences are universal.
Finally, parents can discuss actions that may help a child feel better immediately (a hug, a walk, punching a pillow) and in the long run (planning ahead, learning patience, asking to share.)
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