Advertising professional Luke Tipping, a London resident, faces the same dilemma that young working professionals who have migrated to Mumbai do. Last weekend, he struggled with whether he should stay back to party with friends, or take a trip to visit his parents?
It's something that most of us who have moved away from home grapple with. A demanding work life not only takes a toll on your health, but the first casualty is often the amount of time you spend with your family.
Tipping resolved the dilemma by developing a website called seeyourfolks.com with other London-based friends Omar Karim, Robert Holmkvist and Daniel George. The week-old site uses country-specific life expectancy data acquired from the World Health Organisation and, based on your average meeting frequency with your parents, calculates how much time you have left before you never see them again.
"It struck me that there would be a certain finite number of times that I'd enjoy my mother's cooking, her laugh, her energy. My stomach and heart thought as one. She is the reason that I'm here, and that was the compulsion behind us making the site come up in under 24 hours," says co-founder Karim.
Within seven days, the site has drawn visitors from across the world. "People have been moved emotionally and into action. One of our Australian friends found that he'd see his family members nine more times before they are gone. His silence was punctuated with him scrambling to book a ticket home that weekend," Karim recalls.
It's the same sentiment half-way across the world, in Mumbai. Through seeyourfolks.com, 35-year old sales manager Rohan Charles found that his 74-year old father, who lives in Indore, has lived nine years beyond the age he is expected to live to. "I imagined I'd get furious if some site revealed that my dad has outlived his life expectancy, but it's a truth I'd be running away from. The website is in your face; life and death wait for no one," he says.
Journalist Mauli Buch's case is a bit better. The 32-year-old speaks to her parents in Baroda every day, and meets them as often as she can. "But, a small part of me also likes to be left alone," she confesses. The website revealed that she has 35 chances left to spend time with her father and mother, now 61 and 59 years, respectively. "It sent a chill down my spine. If it is true, it means they have just about five years to live. I'm going to have to figure things," she says, admitting that she has taken her family for granted.
It's as bad at home
As the banner on seeyourfolks.com reminds us, we're so busy growing up, we forget that our parents are growing old.
A recent survey conducted among 2,000 parents in the UK found that even families that stay together spend barely eight hours a week together on an average. And even when they get together, seven in 10 parents say that the time is spent in front of the television, either playing computer games or in silence. Over half admitted that the only real time they spend together is when they go on a holiday, away from distractions and chores. Fifty six per cent admitted that they often book a holiday because they want to enjoy some quality time with their family.
It's law in China
In China, a new national law introduced earlier this month, requires that children of parents older than 60 should visit their parents "frequently" and make sure their financial and spiritual needs are met.
The Law of Protection of Rights and Interests of the Aged was amended after incidents of elderly parents neglected by their children came to light. The new law says children cannot give up their inheritance rights in an attempt to evade their duty towards their parents. They must pay a monthly allowance to their parents, if they refuse to take care of them. In fact, parents are allowed by law to sue their children.
In India, nothing as drastic is in place, but psychiatrist Dr Anjali Chabbria feels ambitious young Indians need to address this issue, nonetheless.
Technology to the rescue
While staying away from family might be a demand of modern living, Dr Chabbria suggests active communication between parents and children to make up for the lack of physical presence.
"It's easy to grow disconnected when physical proximity vanishes. Do simple things — keep them updated about how your day went, what's unfolding in your life. Remember that your dreams, goals and worries are the highlights of their life. This will help keep the emotional connection and sense of belonging intact," she says. And here's where technology that most young Indians are addicted to comes in handy — texting, calling and skype are your go-to tools.
Mumbai-based VFX consultant Vijesh Rajan used the word 'pensive' to describe his state of mind ever since we got him to log in to seeyourfolks. He has 21 more times to meet his parents who are based in Bahrain. "I find the whole idea quite morbid. Especially, a sentence that reads: 'You will meet your parents X times before they are expected to die'. It's a way of making people who don't meet their parents often feel guilty."
"This isn't a bad thing, actually," the 30-year old, who meets his family once a year on vacation, adds after a pause. "Apart from when my family is on holiday, I meet my parents only if there's a marriage or a death. I tend to avoid the marriages, so it isn't all that much time (that I get to spend with them)," he admits.
His mother, Vijaya, learnt to use Whatsapp, an instant messaging application for smartphones that allows users to share text, images, videos and audio to stay in touch. "But, I hardly speak to Dad, other than on his birthday or when I need financial advice. I'm going to look at my interaction with them differently when they move to India next year," he says.
For 22-year-old content strategist Hrishitaa Sharma, staying away from family has been routine since her father holds a transferable government job. "I'd like to meet them more often, but Dad gets posted to a new place every two years," she says. She called logging into seeyourfolks.com an "emotional moment". "I called my mum and told her about the site. Chatting with her made me feel like I should visit her right away," she says.
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