'I considered suicide'
The swimming legend, the man who won five Olympic medals, Ian Thorpe has rarely experienced the ecstasy of winning. Thorpe was suicidal, clinically depressive, and even thought about specific ways to kill himself. In a shocking new book titled 'This Is Me: The Autobiography', Thorpe, who turned 30 yesterday, talks about battling crippling depression, how he took to drinking to kill his blues, denies rumours that he is gay and mentions how he hid his dark secrets even from his parents.
"My illness was so severe that, at times, I considered suicide, he wrote in the book. "My blackest periods would often last a month, and it was during those times that I thought about "it" happening. I even considered specific places or a specific way to kill myself, but then always baulked, realising how ridiculous it was. Could I have killed myself? Looking back, I don't think so, but there were days in my life that, even now, make me shudder."
He has revealed that he still takes medication all the time. Has he ever tried stopping them? "I'd love to, but it works for me. It's not fun. I don't like it. It removes the lows for sure, but also the highs. I never feel ecstasy ... but I'm glad I've won some races without medication so I know how high it can be - my first world record, for example, and my first Olympic gold.
"The goal is to stop, but you have to do it very gradually," he says. "I know from changing meds - it's terrible, you get these pops in your brain, it's the synapse not firing properly and you're like, 'What was that?' "
The rumours about his sexual orientation shot up during his commentary stint for BBC during London Olympics when he appeared each day in colourful sweaters with plunging necklines. A google search of "Is Ian Thorpe gay" throws up 744,000 results. He addresses that issue in his book, saying he has just found a girl friend and he is not gay.
"For the record," he writes in his book, "I am not gay and all my sexual experiences have been straight. I'm attracted to women, I love children and aspire to have a family one day." But he adds: "I know what it's like to grow up and be told what your sexuality is, then realising that's it's not the full reality. I was accused of being gay before I knew who I was."
He reveals how he hit the bottle to keep his depression in check. "I found that the more I drank, the better I felt - or rather, the less bad I felt, although that only lasted until I woke up the next morning to go to training. My poison was always red wine, at times drunk in quantities that now seem unbelievable. I used alcohol as a means to rid my head of terrible thoughts, a way of managing my moods - but I did it behind closed doors, where many depressed people choose to fight their demons before they realise they can't do it without help. Now I am getting that help and managing my depression properly.
The battle continues to the day. "Even today, at a time when I'm pretty happy with my life, I have to manage what is quite a severe illness. It's a day-by-day proposition. When I wake up, every day is potentially a dark one and I realise that it's something I'll have to live with all my life."
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